For sale: beautiful family home, 4bdr, 2b, good location, short walk to school and grocery store, ample shade from old growth oak trees, hardwood floors, brand new appliances. House currently on fire. Call soon!

For rent: large studio efficiency. No bedrooms, 2 baths (M & F), 10 booths, 8 tables, maximum occupancy 86; kitchen configured for expedited tex-mex cuisine. Ample parking.

For sale: split level tudor in nice neighborhood. Immediate move in, motivated seller.  Three bed two bath.  Easy walk to downtown.  Oh god he's got a gun I'm so scared. Spacious yard adjoining park.  Newly renovated kitchen.  Families welcomed.  Please god call now.

For rent: seasonal vacation home, great for couples and families, mediocre for lonesome losers such as yourself. Short walk to the beach when accompanied by someone who cares deeply about you; grueling, interminable death march for those unburdened by the love of another. Two car garage perfect for two cars, excessive for only one. King size bed in master bedroom. That's a full 76" by 80" of surface, of which you'd cover, what, a third? Especially when you curl up into a sad little ball the way you always do whenever you're the slightest bit introspective. That's all you are, really – a sad little ball that nobody wants to play with. $400/wk

House for sale: compact starter home, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, walk-in abattoir; owner missing since The Event. Do not answer doorbell. Asking price not applicable to currencies from this millennium.