For Rent:

• Balcony Ready
• Cables
• Ceiling Gland(s)
• Garden Tube
• Softwood Flooring (no shoes!)
• Microwave-safe
• Washer & Dryer Ready For Emotional Connections
• 9' Ceilings w/ crown mold infestation (Aspergillus coronae)
• Fitness center with state of the art snack bar
• Serene swimming pool with tropical water imported from Amazon river (must have up to date vaccinations prior to swimming)
• Parasitic Garages
• Walk-in kitchens
• Fully equipped crack den
• Clubroom with fireplace and up to code sacrificial altar
• Computer niche*

*in select units**

**I'm sorry I just really like asterisks

For immediate occupancy: nebulous high altitude efficiency mist. No floor, water included. Perpetual fog provides low visibility privacy. Turbulence at high speeds. Jump seats encouraged.

For sale: boat house—not a houseboat that can float on a lake, just a house in the shape of a boat. I thought it would be fun. I bought it when I was 23. I had just won the lottery and said, "I'm going to live in a boat house!" That was twenty years ago. I blew all my money. You think a person who plays the lottery knows how to manage their money? My wife lasted a week longer than the money did. She took my dog. Neither of us actually liked it so I guess I win that one, but it's still insulting. You can host parties in this thing, that's for sure, but if you're the kind of person who needs the novelty of a boat house to attract guests, you might want to take a hard look at that. €20,000 (yes it has to be euros, long story).

For immediate occupancy: pulsating globules of living muscle tissue harvested from livestock and kept alive in a nutritive brine liquid. Not really a place to live in any sense of the word. But jesus christ. Jesus christ I'm lonely. Free to a good home, $30.00 to a bad home.

To lease for 10 months: apartment on west side with small living room and eat in kitchen. Disembodied floating head standard, loft beds optional. Pet friendly, near park. Floating head occasionally says unbearably banal things that your friends maddeningly find inspiring ("god never gives you more than you can handle" and the like). Just ignore it, it's pretty rare anyhow. 300/wk

For lease: 150 sqft office space available for sudden occupancy. Located inside storage unit. Gate does not open at first. No cable hookups. No light switch. Pre-furnished with coffee table and two couches (previously one couch). Mysterious "woman's bathroom key" included. No bathroom.

For rent: chamber of infinite sorrows, mitigated immeasurably by the fact that both our consciousness and life span is finite. Rent is due every day. I think you'll probably die here, but know in the end that it was better that way. Free Cinemax.

For immediate eviction: small family home. 3 bed 2 bath. Living room/dinning room combo. Open kitchen with island. Detached parking garage. Spacious back yard. Get out.

Foreclosure sale: just the saddest house you'll ever see. I'm talking onion eyes here, buddy. You think you've got it tough? This guy's losing his home because he spent all his money on his mom's medical bills, and she died anyway. And it's not even a decent home! His mortgage was only $200 bucks a month -- that should tell you what kind of shithole we're dealing with here. One sec, poor sonofabitch is tapping on my office window. SHOW YOUR FACE HERE AGAIN AND WE'LL CALL THE COPS. 

Sorry about that. Anyway, I can't let you look inside b—oh christ he's crying. He's literally on the floor bawling his goddamn eyes out. Jenny, get security up here. Look, it's not a nice place to live. You'd be smart to just raze the building, sit on the land and wait for the area to gentrify. It's gonna happen. GET OFF MY GODDAMN FLOOR. JENNY! Where's my security I asked for? Whoa, hey man, just be cool. You can still walk away from this. Nobody has to ge

For rent: 2 family home.  MUST HAVE TWO FAMILIES, preferably secret from each other.  Serious inquiries only.

Fully stocked kitchen includes macrowave, defrigerator, ice cream destroyer, self-cutting oven, crawl-in freezer, and tile flooring (floor is just one large tile). Fully looted living room no longer includes couches, love seats, coffee table, flower vases, or rug. Restrooms furnished with beds (that makes more sense, right? I mean as far as names for rooms go).

Each room comes equipped with at least one window which can be peered through when musing on thoughts unrelated to present tasks. Water and electricity included in rent, complimentary heating provided by 1,989,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 kg accretion of fused and fusing hydrogen conveniently located in center of solar system. First month's rent free, but by god you damn well better pay up for the next eleven — if you know what's good for you.

For immediate occupancy: house.  Come and get it you god damn japs.

To lease for 1yr: 4 story office complex on bleaker street. Accessible entrances front and back, heating and AC on all floors except basement. Must haul away. 4 million + sales tax. Bring a truck.

For rent: Sylvia you ruined my life.  Fuck.

For immediate occupancy: garage apartment. Pretty much what it sounds like. There's a sink and a toilet, though technically they're both toilets; it's up to you to keep them straight. Must keep main living area clear at night (like I said it's a garage apartment and my car has to go somewhere). $500/mo

Roommate wanted: 1 bedroom in 40br compound. Must be a dog person. Together we dogmen will rise to throw off the leashes and muzzles of our human oppressors. Bowl included. Free games of fetch on sundays.

For rent: apartment in central kingston. Features:

• Surprisingly tall lofted beds
• Upholstered showers
• Involuntary bidet system
• Fewer than 5 violent crimes annually**
• Thailand
• Cable. Miles and miles of cable.
• Ambulance always unsettlingly idling outside the door
• No blood stains
• Man servant (female)
• Ooze
• Poster of bo derek available on request
• 24 hour security (use them wisely, 24 hours is all you're getting)
• Mail service

**Zero violent crimes to be exact

For rent, walls just a crazy amount of walls arranged at fuckin weird angles some up some down, I don't even know. There's a bottom wall you can walk on but that really freaks my shit out. But listen here's what I'm saying right? All these walls, right, you can sleep and eat and get fresh with fine women and these walls they keep you out of the rain and keep out the peepers, ya heard? So listen what I'm saying is, for every ten bucks you get, gimme two, and I'll give you the keys and you do whatever you want, no questions asked. Just no shit with kids ya heard? Shit with kids freaks my shit out. I just needed some space for my guitars and stuff and otherwise it's all you. Leave your name with the bartender.