For Rent:

• Balcony Ready
• Cables
• Ceiling Gland(s)
• Garden Tube
• Softwood Flooring (no shoes!)
• Microwave-safe
• Washer & Dryer Ready For Emotional Connections
• 9' Ceilings w/ crown mold infestation (Aspergillus coronae)
• Fitness center with state of the art snack bar
• Serene swimming pool with tropical water imported from Amazon river (must have up to date vaccinations prior to swimming)
• Parasitic Garages
• Walk-in kitchens
• Fully equipped crack den
• Clubroom with fireplace and up to code sacrificial altar
• Computer niche*

*in select units**

**I'm sorry I just really like asterisks

For immediate occupancy: nebulous high altitude efficiency mist. No floor, water included. Perpetual fog provides low visibility privacy. Turbulence at high speeds. Jump seats encouraged.

For sale: boat house—not a houseboat that can float on a lake, just a house in the shape of a boat. I thought it would be fun. I bought it when I was 23. I had just won the lottery and said, "I'm going to live in a boat house!" That was twenty years ago. I blew all my money. You think a person who plays the lottery knows how to manage their money? My wife lasted a week longer than the money did. She took my dog. Neither of us actually liked it so I guess I win that one, but it's still insulting. You can host parties in this thing, that's for sure, but if you're the kind of person who needs the novelty of a boat house to attract guests, you might want to take a hard look at that. €20,000 (yes it has to be euros, long story).

For immediate occupancy: pulsating globules of living muscle tissue harvested from livestock and kept alive in a nutritive brine liquid. Not really a place to live in any sense of the word. But jesus christ. Jesus christ I'm lonely. Free to a good home, $30.00 to a bad home.

To lease for 10 months: apartment on west side with small living room and eat in kitchen. Disembodied floating head standard, loft beds optional. Pet friendly, near park. Floating head occasionally says unbearably banal things that your friends maddeningly find inspiring ("god never gives you more than you can handle" and the like). Just ignore it, it's pretty rare anyhow. 300/wk

For lease: 150 sqft office space available for sudden occupancy. Located inside storage unit. Gate does not open at first. No cable hookups. No light switch. Pre-furnished with coffee table and two couches (previously one couch). Mysterious "woman's bathroom key" included. No bathroom.

For rent: chamber of infinite sorrows, mitigated immeasurably by the fact that both our consciousness and life span is finite. Rent is due every day. I think you'll probably die here, but know in the end that it was better that way. Free Cinemax.

For immediate eviction: small family home. 3 bed 2 bath. Living room/dinning room combo. Open kitchen with island. Detached parking garage. Spacious back yard. Get out.

Foreclosure sale: just the saddest house you'll ever see. I'm talking onion eyes here, buddy. You think you've got it tough? This guy's losing his home because he spent all his money on his mom's medical bills, and she died anyway. And it's not even a decent home! His mortgage was only $200 bucks a month -- that should tell you what kind of shithole we're dealing with here. One sec, poor sonofabitch is tapping on my office window. SHOW YOUR FACE HERE AGAIN AND WE'LL CALL THE COPS. 

Sorry about that. Anyway, I can't let you look inside b—oh christ he's crying. He's literally on the floor bawling his goddamn eyes out. Jenny, get security up here. Look, it's not a nice place to live. You'd be smart to just raze the building, sit on the land and wait for the area to gentrify. It's gonna happen. GET OFF MY GODDAMN FLOOR. JENNY! Where's my security I asked for? Whoa, hey man, just be cool. You can still walk away from this. Nobody has to ge

For rent: 2 family home.  MUST HAVE TWO FAMILIES, preferably secret from each other.  Serious inquiries only.

Fully stocked kitchen includes macrowave, defrigerator, ice cream destroyer, self-cutting oven, crawl-in freezer, and tile flooring (floor is just one large tile). Fully looted living room no longer includes couches, love seats, coffee table, flower vases, or rug. Restrooms furnished with beds (that makes more sense, right? I mean as far as names for rooms go).

Each room comes equipped with at least one window which can be peered through when musing on thoughts unrelated to present tasks. Water and electricity included in rent, complimentary heating provided by 1,989,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 kg accretion of fused and fusing hydrogen conveniently located in center of solar system. First month's rent free, but by god you damn well better pay up for the next eleven — if you know what's good for you.

For immediate occupancy: house.  Come and get it you god damn japs.

To lease for 1yr: 4 story office complex on bleaker street. Accessible entrances front and back, heating and AC on all floors except basement. Must haul away. 4 million + sales tax. Bring a truck.

For rent: Sylvia you ruined my life.  Fuck.

For immediate occupancy: garage apartment. Pretty much what it sounds like. There's a sink and a toilet, though technically they're both toilets; it's up to you to keep them straight. Must keep main living area clear at night (like I said it's a garage apartment and my car has to go somewhere). $500/mo

Roommate wanted: 1 bedroom in 40br compound. Must be a dog person. Together we dogmen will rise to throw off the leashes and muzzles of our human oppressors. Bowl included. Free games of fetch on sundays.

For rent: apartment in central kingston. Features:

• Surprisingly tall lofted beds
• Upholstered showers
• Involuntary bidet system
• Fewer than 5 violent crimes annually**
• Thailand
• Cable. Miles and miles of cable.
• Ambulance always unsettlingly idling outside the door
• No blood stains
• Man servant (female)
• Ooze
• Poster of bo derek available on request
• 24 hour security (use them wisely, 24 hours is all you're getting)
• Mail service

**Zero violent crimes to be exact

For rent, walls just a crazy amount of walls arranged at fuckin weird angles some up some down, I don't even know. There's a bottom wall you can walk on but that really freaks my shit out. But listen here's what I'm saying right? All these walls, right, you can sleep and eat and get fresh with fine women and these walls they keep you out of the rain and keep out the peepers, ya heard? So listen what I'm saying is, for every ten bucks you get, gimme two, and I'll give you the keys and you do whatever you want, no questions asked. Just no shit with kids ya heard? Shit with kids freaks my shit out. I just needed some space for my guitars and stuff and otherwise it's all you. Leave your name with the bartender.

For rent, apartment in downtown Newark. Northern exposure ensures this property is filled with light in the morning, not to mention the sneaking fear that Stalin's faults were all of our faults. Three bedroom, two bath. High ceiling with skylight in living room. Wooden terrace with good view of the city, great for barbecues. Safe neighborhood. Convenient off street parking available within one block (one space available for tenants, guest passes available on a weekly basis). No smoking, pets ok. $1800 per month.

For rent: big house, with a bigger attitude. Grey folding chair available after 6 months occupancy. Slop bucket included (easy walk to nearby slop vendors). Newly installed water closet (do not open closet door! flooding WILL occur). Neighborhood watch just a little too aggressive in surrounding area. We have no problem with Jewish people whatsoever. The passage of time remains steady but a part of you slows and decays. 900/wk

For rent: multicultural trans-generational flex-family co-opdominiums. Gluten-free wallpaper and vegan-friendly stairs. Pets welcomed as individuals with independent agency. Solar powered windmills. TRIGGER WARNING: light switches kinda look like tiny triggers. Non-discriminating communist garden accepts both organic and conventional weeds. Compact fluorescent compost toilets standard in every room, even though we all know rooms are a social construct and we should work towards a more open society instead of walling off and partitioning our differences. 300 hugs/month.

For rent: cozy bed and breakfast near lake. On site laundry facilities. Newly installed central air. Walking distance to town. We believe honesty to be the best policy, so we're going to be upfront about this: a lot of people have been murdered in this cabin. Modest window treatments block out all light, but not sound. Emergency exits now available in the kitchen, bedroom, and - most recently - bathroom. Road accessible during dry season. A perfect spot for the spirited adventurer type!

Foreclosure sale: unfinished stately pleasure dome. Great location, half twenty miles of fertile ground, bordered by sacred river Alph. THE SUNNIEST SPOTS ENFOLDED BY GREENERY IN THE COUNTY! Ideal for hosting lavish parties and storing vast collections of art, statues, neglected spouses, and domesticated wildlife. Potential for metaphor abuse; caveat emptor. All inquiries from Porlock will be ignored.

For rent: affordable studio loft in converted warehouse in downtown Austin. Move in immediate, but you know that living here is killing your mother. Parking on street, safe neighborhood. She worked her whole life to give you every opportunity and you majored in fine arts, christ. High ceilings, exposed brick, rustic industrial feel. Your grandparents grew up in the great depression and fought World War II as teenagers and then came home to build the greatest middle class in human history and what do you do with it? You god damn hipsters went and made poverty cool. We could have put up sheetrock. It looks nice and it holds heat better, but then it wouldn't look like an old converted factory so we couldn't charge as much. You'll be cold at night, heating is through the roof, but that's on you not us. Tell you what, don't rent here. Go home. Get a job as a dental hygienist. Call your mother. Shave your ironic mustache and stop watching Lena Dunham, she isn't funny.

For rent: 2 br condo with June move in. Luxury building with doorman in lobby (try not to stare; living life as half door half man is hard enough). Tennis court on roof, kangaroo court in basement, great for trying enemies of a revolutionary right wing government. Security cameras in all hallways and common spaces, panopticon in courtyard. Military training not included but preferred. As lease becomes more subtle it also becomes more complete. Covered parking garage adjoining building included.

For rent: 6 bdr Victorian with mild turpentine aftertaste. Walking distance from local shops, shoppes, and restaurants. Graveyards on premises (removable if desired) with space for 10 adults or 16 children. No kitchen, bad kitchen, kitchen get down from there, you make pee pee outside. $2000/m

For rent: ultra compact efficiency, perfect for on-the-go urbanites. Open design provides protection from the elements in three out of four directions. Features bench/bed/toilet combo. Seconds from public transportation. Rent does not include fare.

For immediate occupancy: come stay in your new home away from home! Several gated entrances and 24/7 on-site security provide you the peace of mind you need to feel at ease in your new close-knit community. With easy walks to all of life's legally-mandated necessities (including mess halls, exercise yards, laundry rooms, and trauma centers), you'll find plenty to do with your allotted 30 minutes of daily leisure. Shared rooms come standard, with single rooms available for spirited individuals. Guaranteed thirty-years-to-life leases eliminate down-the-road housing worries; ten-year leases available with good behavior.  For more information, abduct a privileged youth.

For rent: all-encompassing ovoid calcium carbonate shell. Includes access to life-sustaining nutritive goop. Trace minerals and proteins available. Externally-controlled thermostat. Standard 21-day lease.

To lease: 5br (4.8br canadian) in morning side heights. Free garbage and recycling delivered to your bed nightly. Washer and dryer on premises, though you may not use them. Additional attic storage available, whether you're gay or straight, we don't see how that would affect your use of the storage space anyway. The hottest water allowable by law. Near stop n shop.

For sale: starter home, compatible with most phases of matter. Great view of the universe. Can shelter occupants from the elements (though obviously not THE elements). Capable of withstanding combustion at most commonly encountered temperatures. Will remain at rest unless acted upon by external force of sufficient magnitude. Constructed out of high quality processed stardust. Persists when not observed by conscious entity. Can be yours now in exchange for mutually understood symbols evocative of value!

For rent: studio inefficiency. Labyrinthine arrangement of walls and hallways, precious little living space. Shared kitchenette in basement area (metered). NO GUESTS. Elevator access to odd numbered floors only. Parking passes available between 5:00 and 6:00 AM, must renew daily. Curfew in effect. BYOB (Bring Your Own Bathroom).

For Rent: large efficiency, inviting circular layout, mobile design (some disassembly required, must provide own transportation), numerous nets and wires, great place to torture animals. 

For rent: luxury 2 floor apartment in center city. Professional kitchen. Sunken living room overflowing with broken glass. Sunroom doubles as daughter room if you conceal your disappointment. Never been seen on "to catch a predator." Open source with commercial licensing available. Rows of poplars line the streets of downtown Minneapolis. We're in New York, but that sure does sound nice, right?

For lease: luxury condominium, 2200 sqft, 3 bdr, 3 bath, fully-stocked kitchen, working fireplace, Olympic swimming pool in commons, on-site gym, close to downtown. While we're here, Charles David Gorski, you are being sued for back payments of child support. Contact my attorney immediately, or we WILL take you to court (you know her number). Covered parking available for additional fee. Call soon, this property is hot!

Roommate wanted for immediate move-in: 1 bedroom apartment, shared baths (to save water), male looking for male roommate sized 39"x33"x15" willing to share clothes, feelings, dreams of having a twin brother, not in, like, a creepy way, but when you think about it wouldn't that be neat? We could just look, not touch.

For immediate occupancy: 1 house, not a home, that part's on you. Solid foundation, new siding by previous owner. Stronger in the broken places. Walk in closet in master bedroom. Waiting to be filled with memories, but know that that's an illusion, the memories are carried with you. Paved driveway fits 2-3 cars. You remember when you were watching golf one time and Julie came in screaming something about a doll house, I mean just SCREAMING nonsensically and you couldn't believe how loud it was and you yelled out "fuck!" in front of her and she got real quiet for a minute and just stood there. She didn't cry, it somehow would have been better if she'd cried, but she just kind of looked at me disappointed for a while and then ran off scared. I don't even like golf that much. All new appliances in kitchen. Hard wood in living room. All sales final, all things final for that matter. When Julie was 9 we were driving to Giant and I was trying to figure out the radio I never could work the damn thing. Christ it happened so fast. Fully furnished. I don't know if you've ever packed a up a child's play room into garbage bags but, yeah, never again, fully fucking furnished. Asking 200k for qualified buyers. At some point the money stops mattering. Call to arrange a viewing.

For rent: hostages. $500,000 per month in unmarked bills. lease for 1 month.

For sale: condo in 2 story brownstone. Seen in the background of one episode of "The L Word" on showtime. Serious inquiries only. If you're one of those weirdos who gets their jollies calling up real estate agents without due seriousness then you're gonna get the bum's rush when you come my way, I'll tell you. Located physically within Kansai international airport. Financing available, whatever that means.

For rent: mcflurry. Wait, mom?

For rent: 3 bedroom, 1 "bedroom," 1 bath.  Never involved in a collision.  hard wood floors if you must know.  Perfect for someone with recent bariatric surgery.  Nice neighborhood, HORSE FREE.  Off street windows available.  Reverse toilets standard.  Walking distance to anything technically, depending on how long you're willing to spend.  Concierge service at nearby hotel for registered hotel guests.

For rent: rental sign.  Reads "for rent."  Free I guess.  It's basically impossible to advertise this thing through signage.

For rent: $300 dollars.  Cash currency in convenient denominations.  Useful for acquiring goods and services.  $315.  Oh wait that's a bank. Yeah, we're a bank.

For rent: gun.  No questions asked.  Must be fired before return.

Lease to own: split-level colonial 4 bedrooms 1 bath. Empty until you arrive. I'm waiting when you get here, just like we're all waiting on the inside. You turn to walk away but its all theatre, all theatre. You look at me questioningly for a time and then your gaze grows steady and assured. There's a sadness to you. "You know Marilyn Monroe would be 96 now" you remark. "Maybe its better this way," you say chucking but your tone betrays you. There is no better, there is no worse. There's only motion; light and motion converging together as time. I'm all out of time. I carry you out into the sea to wash you. Your skin flakes defeatedly in my hand. The tide comes in. I give you a bath. I give you a bath. I give you a bath. We both regret. The aching stops and then starts again. Walking distance to train. Off street parking available.

For rent: large attic apartment 10 minutes from downtown copenhagen.  Good for families.  Quiet tenants only.  Must wear socks at all times (no shoes!) must pay cash due to commercial zoning.  Diary friendly.

1 room vacancy in 3 room apartment.  Windowless, unfurnished, unlit metal box.  Exit once per year.  Do not look directly at the master when exiting.  Rent free.  Utilities not included.

For sale: oboe.  $85 OBO

For rent: 3rd generation canoe, 21' long 3' wide, combat tested, will not sink with amulet (separate).  Asking price is necklace of human teeth (preferably Asian) OBO.

For rent: 3br with hbo (game of thrones, girls, true blood, curb your enthusiasm, veep) showtime (dexter, homeland, the tudors, weeds) amc (breaking bad, mad men, walking dead).  $1050 per month.  Bring popcorn.

For immediate occupancy: town house, good condition, great for groups of three or more.  Couples ok.  Front and rear access available.  Downstairs is totally shaved.  Fit, adventurous, attractive.  Rent is 8.5", uncut.

For rent: small house in impossibly quiet neighborhood, two bedrooms per month (not consecutive), pets ok unless provoked.  hard HARD wood floors, wall to wall ceilings, owner occupied (supposedly), fully Y2K compliant, call now.

For rent: 2br 1 bath.  Second story walk up in crown heights.  $1700/m, 1.5 mo security required at signing.  Spacious living room, kitchenette, small balcony.  Off street parking available for 1 spot, additional passes available for added fee.  No smoking, pets ok.  Not available.

For sale: beautiful family home, 4bdr, 2b, good location, short walk to school and grocery store, ample shade from old growth oak trees, hardwood floors, brand new appliances. House currently on fire. Call soon!

For rent: large studio efficiency. No bedrooms, 2 baths (M & F), 10 booths, 8 tables, maximum occupancy 86; kitchen configured for expedited tex-mex cuisine. Ample parking.

For sale: split level tudor in nice neighborhood. Immediate move in, motivated seller.  Three bed two bath.  Easy walk to downtown.  Oh god he's got a gun I'm so scared. Spacious yard adjoining park.  Newly renovated kitchen.  Families welcomed.  Please god call now.

For rent: seasonal vacation home, great for couples and families, mediocre for lonesome losers such as yourself. Short walk to the beach when accompanied by someone who cares deeply about you; grueling, interminable death march for those unburdened by the love of another. Two car garage perfect for two cars, excessive for only one. King size bed in master bedroom. That's a full 76" by 80" of surface, of which you'd cover, what, a third? Especially when you curl up into a sad little ball the way you always do whenever you're the slightest bit introspective. That's all you are, really – a sad little ball that nobody wants to play with. $400/wk

House for sale: compact starter home, 3 bedrooms, 2 baths, walk-in abattoir; owner missing since The Event. Do not answer doorbell. Asking price not applicable to currencies from this millennium.

For lease: spacious 3 bedroom apartment, 1½ baths (2 in a pinch), long-standing roach infestation (roaches now domesticated, can be trained for simple tasks), utilities included (gas, H₂O, electric, plasma). Garbage not allowed. Contact Azazel (he will know when).

Apartment for rent: 10 and a half bathrooms, no bedrooms.  Pets ok after 6. Symmetrically located. Kid friendly, in an appropriate way.